Melissa Williams-Gurian

09Dec 2016 by melissa No Comments

Assertiveness is Healthy

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Kim, head of sales at a large manufacturing company, was successful, highly intelligent, and driven. Yet, people had started to lose their trust in her. Co-workers were upset that she was chronically late with reviews and feedback they needed, and that she had promised to complete on time. Why do you think this happens?” I asked her when we met for coaching. “I just get caught up in my own work,” she said. “And I don’t like to say no when people ask me to deliver, even when I am unhappy that I’ve been asked to do more.” “I don’t like to say no,” is a common refrain among people who are challenged to be assertive. Kim’s abilities had gotten her far, but she would have a difficult time moving…

02Dec 2016 by melissa No Comments

The Surprising Benefits of Creative Activity

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I have worked with many very creative clients. I have also worked with clients who, for whatever reason, feel creatively stuck, and are looking for ways to cultivate their ingenuity and imagination. We all understand something about what makes creativity so important—it’s how great art is made, and how brilliant new ideas emerge in business. It’s how the biggest problems are solved. Yet it turns out that there’s another, more fundamental reason why creative activity is important. Being creative makes us feel good, and helps build more creativity. Most of us have felt that good mood that comes when we are caught up in a creative activity, and lately psychologists have been studying this phenomenon in depth. In a recent study, Everyday Creative Activity As a Path to Flourishing, published…

23Nov 2016 by melissa No Comments

Introverts at Holidays

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As Thanksgiving and December holidays approach, I’ve been thinking about the introverts in my life—people who may become drained in large groups and overstimulating environments, and who tend to enjoy deep thinking and deliberation. Introverts may enjoy spending time with friends and family, but too many hours or days of socializing leave little room for contemplation, and can be exhausting for an introvert. I had a client named Simon a few years ago with many introverted qualities. Simon didn’t need much attention, connection, or validation from others. He was close to a very few important people, and was content with those relationships. He was especially happy when he could close the door to his office and work deeply on his areas of expertise. When I first began coaching him, it…

11Nov 2016 by melissa No Comments

Empathy and the Elephant In the Room

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Many leaders I know were challenged this week to figure out how best to address the dramatic election results. A change this big will also have big effects at work, and could be very upsetting and divisive. In this case, as at other such times, a leader could choose to ignore the news and carry on as usual, or get stuck in uncertainty about whether or not to say anything. But both of these choices create the classic “elephant in the room” situation. We all know we are thinking about and reacting to something, and when a leader ignores that fact, it doesn’t make it go away. It cements the emotional climate rather than opening up the possibility of a shift. In this case, wise leaders I know decided that…

03Nov 2016 by melissa No Comments

Is It Better to Lead With Warmth Or Strength?

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Which quality is better in a leader—being lovable or being strong? That’s one of the questions posed in the article “Connect, Then Lead,” published in the Harvard Business Review. Authors Amy Cuddy, Matthew Kohut, and John Neffinger discuss behavioral research that suggests that people may comply with the demands of a leader who is not warm, but privately are less likely to feel motivated to perform well for such a person than for a leader who, for instance, validates feelings, asks about others, and uses more open gestures. “Most leaders today tend to emphasize their strength, competence, and credentials in the workplace, but that is exactly the wrong approach,” write the authors. “Leaders who project strength before establishing trust run the risk of eliciting fear, and along with it a…

27Oct 2016 by melissa No Comments

The Value of Difficult Conversations

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“I just want to get this over with.” My client, Alex*, chief data scientist at a major tech company, dropped into a chair in the conference room. He moved stiffly after a long run, his stress reliever of choice before awful meetings. Like this one. Like nearly every meeting with his boss, John. “I understand,” I said. “But you’re going to do great.” I knew why Alex felt nervous, and I didn’t blame him. Today, in a meeting with his boss—with me standing by to help steer the conversation if necessary—Alex needed to let John know that he felt mistreated, and that Alex couldn’t live with that dynamic anymore. It was going to be an uncomfortable conversation. And yet, I believed that my client had everything to gain from it.…

19Oct 2016 by melissa No Comments

Standing In Inner Confidence

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Why is it so easy for some people to advocate for themselves at work, while others struggle? At a recent workshop, I asked the group if they found it hard to advocate for themselves. About half of the group answered “yes,” and the other half said “no”. The group mirrored my experience of leaders in the workplace. Some leaders have no problem telling you what they think. They aren’t worried about their impact—sometimes to the point that they come across as unbending or overly aggressive. Other leaders have a very hard time being assertive. The desire to be liked by others or the fear of being in the spotlight can seem daunting. These leaders are challenged to find their inner confidence and develop the ability to advocate for themselves. Why do…

12Oct 2016 by melissa No Comments

Accountable Leadership

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Did you know that the highest performing teams are also the ones in which all leaders hold themselves accountable for their actions? These groups have high trust, feel connected, and are likely to be talking about what really matters. In leadership work, I use an illustration called the Accountability Ladder to show the stages of becoming accountable. At the bottom of this ladder, a person can be stuck in the victim role—they are unaware of or deny a situation. When you’re living life on these bottom rungs of accountability, you believe that things are happening to you—you are rarely responsible, and often dependent. If you lack accountability you might wait and hope things improve, or make excuses—“I can’t, because…” On the upper rungs, when you have become accountable, you acknowledge reality,…

05Oct 2016 by melissa No Comments

The Gift of Saying ‘No’

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She was extremely busy, but she always seemed to say ‘yes,’ anyway. “Yes, I’ll get that report done by the deadline you’ve set.” “Yes, I’ll put the meeting on my calendar.” Sometimes she didn’t actually say yes—sometimes she just didn’t reply. To an email from a colleague with a deadline included. To a phone call asking her to write up a report. Her silence was heard as a yes. The next stage involved people waiting around for her reports, her reply, the other things she had said she would do. These tasks were on top of her main job, which kept her very busy already, so it was unrealistic for her to think that she could accomplish them all. “I didn’t want to say no, because I felt like I…

28Sep 2016 by melissa No Comments

Knowing When It’s Time For A Conversation

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Most leaders spend part of every day in conversation. Some conversations are built into the day, along with meetings, lunches, and phone calls. But at other times, we can choose to shut our office door and be silent, or to reach out and initiate a conversation. At these times, we may begin to think about the conversations we aren't having. Perhaps we wonder whether we should talk to another person to address a concern we have, or perhaps we sense that someone else is having a problem, but we aren't sure if it would be valuable to make time to talk with them. Here are some questions to ask yourself if you're unsure about having a conversation. These questions can apply to conversations with our colleagues, and also with people…