The Trick to Making Changes That Stick

The Trick to Making Changes That Stick

Article
Over the last year I’ve written on various aspects of effective leadership, including leading with warmth, tackling difficult conversations, following your inner compass and practicing gratitude. I’ve been thinking lately about how we move from setting an intention—whether it’s to get fit or to tackle difficult conversations—to sustaining that change over the long haul. It’s hard for me to make a lasting change, and I’m guessing it’s hard for others. So I wanted to share some of what experts say about how to effectively set goals and give yourself the best chance of maintaining them. Here is some what what I’ve learned: 1. Identify a goal, make it specific, don't make it too big, and write it down. “Studies have documented that individuals with clear, written goals are significantly more…
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New Research About What Great Listeners Do

New Research About What Great Listeners Do

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If you've been coached in the rules of good listening, you may have learned that it is best to stay quiet and not interrupt. Maybe you also learned to repeat back to the other person what you have heard them say. New research, however, suggests that the most effective listeners are those who are involved in a two-way conversation. Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman analyzed data from a development program designed to help managers become better coaches, and identified the leaders who were considered the best listeners. Then they sifted through their listening behaviors, and those of others in the program, to identify the difference between great and average listeners. According to Zenger and Folkman, "the highest and best form of listening comes in playing the same role for the…
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Assertiveness is Healthy

Assertiveness is Healthy

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Kim, head of sales at a large manufacturing company, was successful, highly intelligent, and driven. Yet, people had started to lose their trust in her. Co-workers were upset that she was chronically late with reviews and feedback they needed, and that she had promised to complete on time. Why do you think this happens?” I asked her when we met for coaching. “I just get caught up in my own work,” she said. “And I don’t like to say no when people ask me to deliver, even when I am unhappy that I’ve been asked to do more.” “I don’t like to say no,” is a common refrain among people who are challenged to be assertive. Kim’s abilities had gotten her far, but she would have a difficult time moving…
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The Surprising Benefits of Creative Activity

The Surprising Benefits of Creative Activity

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I have worked with many very creative clients. I have also worked with clients who, for whatever reason, feel creatively stuck, and are looking for ways to cultivate their ingenuity and imagination. We all understand something about what makes creativity so important—it’s how great art is made, and how brilliant new ideas emerge in business. It’s how the biggest problems are solved. Yet it turns out that there’s another, more fundamental reason why creative activity is important. Being creative makes us feel good, and helps build more creativity. Most of us have felt that good mood that comes when we are caught up in a creative activity, and lately psychologists have been studying this phenomenon in depth. In a recent study, Everyday Creative Activity As a Path to Flourishing, published…
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Introverts at Holidays

Introverts at Holidays

Article
As Thanksgiving and December holidays approach, I’ve been thinking about the introverts in my life—people who may become drained in large groups and overstimulating environments, and who tend to enjoy deep thinking and deliberation. Introverts may enjoy spending time with friends and family, but too many hours or days of socializing leave little room for contemplation, and can be exhausting for an introvert. I had a client named Simon a few years ago with many introverted qualities. Simon didn’t need much attention, connection, or validation from others. He was close to a very few important people, and was content with those relationships. He was especially happy when he could close the door to his office and work deeply on his areas of expertise. When I first began coaching him, it…
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Empathy and the Elephant In the Room

Empathy and the Elephant In the Room

Article
Many leaders I know were challenged this week to figure out how best to address the dramatic election results. A change this big will also have big effects at work, and could be very upsetting and divisive. In this case, as at other such times, a leader could choose to ignore the news and carry on as usual, or get stuck in uncertainty about whether or not to say anything. But both of these choices create the classic “elephant in the room” situation. We all know we are thinking about and reacting to something, and when a leader ignores that fact, it doesn’t make it go away. It cements the emotional climate rather than opening up the possibility of a shift. In this case, wise leaders I know decided that…
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Is It Better to Lead With Warmth Or Strength?

Is It Better to Lead With Warmth Or Strength?

Article
Which quality is better in a leader—being lovable or being strong? That’s one of the questions posed in the article “Connect, Then Lead,” published in the Harvard Business Review. Authors Amy Cuddy, Matthew Kohut, and John Neffinger discuss behavioral research that suggests that people may comply with the demands of a leader who is not warm, but privately are less likely to feel motivated to perform well for such a person than for a leader who, for instance, validates feelings, asks about others, and uses more open gestures. “Most leaders today tend to emphasize their strength, competence, and credentials in the workplace, but that is exactly the wrong approach,” write the authors. “Leaders who project strength before establishing trust run the risk of eliciting fear, and along with it a…
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The Value of Difficult Conversations

The Value of Difficult Conversations

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“I just want to get this over with.” My client, Alex*, chief data scientist at a major tech company, dropped into a chair in the conference room. He moved stiffly after a long run, his stress reliever of choice before awful meetings. Like this one. Like nearly every meeting with his boss, John. “I understand,” I said. “But you’re going to do great.” I knew why Alex felt nervous, and I didn’t blame him. Today, in a meeting with his boss—with me standing by to help steer the conversation if necessary—Alex needed to let John know that he felt mistreated, and that Alex couldn’t live with that dynamic anymore. It was going to be an uncomfortable conversation. And yet, I believed that my client had everything to gain from it.…
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Standing In Inner Confidence

Standing In Inner Confidence

Article
Why is it so easy for some people to advocate for themselves at work, while others struggle? At a recent workshop, I asked the group if they found it hard to advocate for themselves. About half of the group answered “yes,” and the other half said “no”.  The group mirrored my experience of leaders in the workplace. Some leaders have no problem telling you what they think. They aren’t worried about their impact—sometimes to the point that they come across as unbending or overly aggressive. Other leaders have a very hard time being assertive. The desire to be liked by others or the fear of being in the spotlight can seem daunting. These leaders are challenged to find their inner confidence and develop the ability to advocate for themselves. Why do…
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Accountable Leadership

Accountable Leadership

Article
Did you know that the highest performing teams are also the ones in which all leaders hold themselves accountable for their actions? These groups have high trust, feel connected, and are likely to be talking about what really matters. In leadership work, I use an illustration called the Accountability Ladder to show the stages of becoming accountable. At the bottom of this ladder, a person can be stuck in the victim role—they are unaware of or deny a situation. When you’re living life on these bottom rungs of accountability, you believe that things are happening to you—you are rarely responsible, and often dependent. If you lack accountability you might wait and hope things improve, or make excuses—“I can’t, because…” On the upper rungs, when you have become accountable, you acknowledge reality,…
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